Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Attractions and Signs 

I find myself becoming attracted to older women. I know I'm only 15 and that leaves open alot of territory. I'm not just attracted to 20 somethings and 30 somethings but even 40 somethings. This is not only a phyisical attraction to them. But a attraction to their minds ,thoughts and words they use as well. I know at this age I can't act on this. But that 20 something standing in front of me and talking to me at Wal-Mart was so damn cute and funny! Was she queer? I don't know. I don't know if I have the abilty to spot queer chicks yet! But she was looking at me I know that. Oh Well...
  • Monday, September 29, 2003

    Sara's Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party 

    I went to Sara's sweet sixteen birthday party on Sunday. We all had a great time. My darling sweet Sara had a surprise for me. She invited a girl from her life drawing class at the art community center to the party. She's gay but not out so I'll refer to her as M. She told Sara that she was queer in a conversation last year. Sara thought that it would great if we could get to know eachother. She's 17 and goes to another school in the area. We talked and hung out together and had a good time. She met Mindy and Hannah too.

    Holly went into her second week of not talking to me and just ignoring me like I don't exist anymore. It's sad that she feels this way about me now. What can you do?

    So before I left the party, M gave me her phone number and email addy. So I guess we'll stay in touch and see what happens.

  • No More school Bus! 

    Yeah! Sara went on Monday and got her drivers license. Now we can ride to school and not take the bus. Weee!!!!!!!!!!!! Todays the first day of our independence. No more bus or being droped off by the parents every time we want to go some place.

    The sweet smell of freedom is in the air!

  • Saturday, September 27, 2003

    Happy Bithday Sara!!! 

    Happy Birthday to my closest friend!!! Love Ya Sara!!!!

    The Reservoir Kittens are taking Sara to her favorite place...Outback Steakhouse...Hopefully we'll get the cute waiter that works there and she can flirt with him.

    On Sunday Sara's family is throwing her a big pool party!!! Yeah!

    Then Sara get's her new wheels!!! Yeah!!!! We'll be free of parental restraint! Yeah!!!

    No More Drop Offs for Us!!!!! We can go on our own. Yeah Sara!!!!

  • Thursday, September 25, 2003


    Second friend in a panic today! She wants to know what we're going to do about smoking the joint at the party and the new random testing at school. Well, we can't do anything about the joint..it was good by the way... My wise Lesbian sisters tell me that a hair test is too expensive and the school district won't spring for it. So in a couple of weeks if they do pee tests we'll be fine.


    Hannah thought it was pretty cool that I could tap into the lesbian sisterhood and get advice so quickly!!!

  • Double Dating 

    Sara comes up to me at lunch and is in a panic about what we're going to do about double dating. I tell her that were going to double date. Why the panic. She just thought that my girlfriend..if I had one... wouldn't want to date with a straight couple. I said that is nonsense. Gay people have straight friends. I'm a lesbian and my best friend is straight. Yes, No, isn't that right!

    She goes "Oh Ya"." I know we're two blonds but we'll figure it allout as we go along", I say!

    So I shake her and tell her to calm down!

  • Wednesday, September 24, 2003


    I love the Picture on Rolling Stone of Britney! Wow! As for the kiss, she says that it was a one time event. Sure! Madonna on Orpha said that it was Britney who came out with the open mouth kiss not her. She had to go with it. Poor Girl! And Madonna says that she didn't know the response that it would get. Ya Right! Madonna hasn't done anything in the twenty years that was calculated for maxium effect.

  • Tuesday, September 23, 2003

    Congratulations to Melissa and Tammy Lynn Michaels on their wedding!
  • Monday, September 22, 2003


    I came out to my friends Mindy and Holly with mixeds results. Mindy seemed somewhat thrilled to have a Lesbian in her group and Holly was was upset and clearly wasn't happy about it. Holly refused to talk to me the rest of the night and avoided sitting by me when we went to the movies. I was hurt but what can you do.

    Mindy was far too excited. She has a boyfriend but Hannah has told me that she's Bi. I hope that she's just excited to have someone to talk too about it and not looking at me as a potential side dish for her and her boyfriend!

    I hope that I can get through to Holly that I'm her friend and that I value that friendship. I'm the same person that she has known for years. The only thing that has changed is that I'm being honest about myself and whom I love.


    My school district is starting a new random drug policy. People who are in school clubs, sports or drive to school will have their names placed on a list and will be randomly selected for drug and alcohol testing throughtout the year.

    Drugged out Zombies who take the bus and don't participate in extra school activities will not be tested.

    I'm in the Journalism Club, Film and Photography Club and on the Tennis team.

    I smoked a blunt at a party a couple of weeks ago. If they do a hair test I'm sunked!

  • Sunday, September 21, 2003


    A gentle kiss on the cheek and holding hands are things taken for granted by straight couples when they are in public places. For lesbian couples it would be an act of supreme courage or folly.
  • Saturday, September 20, 2003


    After I came out to Sara and the fact that it went so well, I decied to call my friend Hannah. I told her that I was a lesbian and there was complete silence on the other end. She said "Your kidding me"! No way! "Yes I am" I said.

    She thought it was so wonderful that I coud be so open about it at my age. Thought I was being so brave about it. I said "No just want to be myself!".

    She told me I have her complete support and love and to go get them! Hmmm... Go get what?

    For herself she told me that she was asexual and ambivalent about sex and didn't know who she would fall in love with. She was celibrate and was going to stay that way.

    She told me I might have problems with Holly because she spends so much of her time with homophobic Christians! I told her that Sara says the same thing too!

    Then she tells me that Mindy told her that she was into girls and boys and had tried to hit on her. So watch out! Mindy? Really? She's so much a boy toy!Really? "Yes, Kelly ,Yes, it happened" she said

  • Friday, September 19, 2003


    I had to stay home from school today because I have strept throat! What's worse my little brother has it too and I had to watch him and listen to his bitching and complaining about it. I'm as sick as him and complaining half as much. He's a monster! I offered to put a pillow over his face and end his needless suffering but he refused LOL! He's crying about it and i think he gave it to me.

    Then a horrible thought popped into my head. What if he came into my room one night and gave me a french kiss!!!eeeeeewwwwww!!!! I sleep with my mouth open I'm told and the thought of his horrid little tounge in my mouth is just to much to think about.

    Where's that pillow?


    Sara calls me up at 3 in the morning and tells me she forgot to ask if I already had a lesbian girlfriend that I didn't tell her about. I told her no I didn't and that I have no other secrets that I'm keeping from her and that she should get her ass in bed and let me sleep! lol
  • Thursday, September 18, 2003


    I finally did it! I came out to my best friend Sara. I just came out and said it to her. At first she thought I was kidding about it. I like to joke around. But I told her that it was for real. She was shocked that I could keep it a secret for so long. Then she was mad at me that I didn't tell her sooner. Then she was hurt that I didn't trust her enough to tell her sooner. Then she was mad that I would think that I'd love her more than she loves me as a friend and she wouldn't accept me after I told her. Then she got worried that I would find new lesbian friends and would forget about her as a best friend. I told her that would never happen!

    Then she was happy for me as I told her how I felt about myself and wanting to be the person that I am and not live in a lie and be unhappy. She told me she didn't care what I was that she loves me and always will.

    Then she asked me if I was attracted her her. We have seen eachother naked many times. Going shinny dipping in eachothers pools when the parents weren't around. She's a wonderful artist and she has used me as a life model and has drawn me naked and wanted to know if I was turned on by her. I froze and didn't know what to say. I told her that I thought that she was the most beautiful girl in the world and that I love her as my friend. She was happy with that.

    Then she asked me if she was a lesbian would she be my type . I smiled and before I could answer she threw a pillow at me and said that she better be. We just laughed!

  • Tuesday, September 16, 2003

    AM I? WILL I? 

    Am I standing on a cliff ready to fall? Or standing in the light, in the fresh air? Hopeful, Afraid, Happy, Nervous, Delirious. Leaving behind a lie and living the truth. Will I still be a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister and a friend? Will I be accepted and loved for who I am and not rejected and hated for whom I love. An ending. A beginning. Hopeful, Afraid, Happy, Nervous, Delirious. Am I? Will I?

  • Monday, September 15, 2003


    The Plan: Sara first. Then Mindy, Hannah and Holly. Dad. Then Mom.
    I'll tell Sara on Wendsday when we're working on our science project together.

    Me: Sara, I'm a Queer Girl

    Sara: Of course we're all a little strange

    Me: No I'm a Lesbian

    Sara: You're Greek! I didn't know that

    Me: No! I like girls!

    Sara:Who doesn't honey. Guys can be so lame

    Me: Fuck! (grabs sara...Kisses Her on her lips)

    Sara: Holly's right you are a fucking great kisser!

    Me: I Know...

  • Sunday, September 14, 2003


    A week ago, Sara talked all of us Reservoir Kittens into going to a party at this rich chicks house on a 65 acre horse farm that was well beyond the type of thing we normally do. We're only 15 and we found ourselves at a party with juniors and seniors and some college freshman we knew from our high school.

    Well I know your going to say you shouldn't be there Kelly with beer drinking and people smoking blunts. But we stayed. Got a little drunk. Smoked some blunts. Got high. We knew better. I knew better. But hey we're kids, we make mistakes don't we!

    During this party guys started to egg girls on to kiss eachother. Why do straight guys always want girls to kiss eachother. It's their fantasy seeing chicks making out I know. And it's minetoo you know! But egging your girlfriend to kiss another chick just seems lame. Why do their girlfriends do it? Lack of self respect? Gotta make their man happy or what??

    So I'm thinking What the fuck I'm a lesbian and I'm going to subvert the meaning of their desires by kissing their chicks! Hey if they're going to make their girls available I'm going to do the fucking kissing! If my kissing made these hot chicks think about being with a girl so much the better! Mind you in the last three years I only kissed two girls and at this party I ended up kissing five.

    In all the commotion I ended up kissing my friend Holly and to my suprise she really kissed me back! I don't think she remembers anything about that night. We haven't said anything about it to eachother since then. But at the party she said that i was a really hot kisser.

    So there I was. Fighting in the trenches against male sexual supremacy! A Lesbian Guerrilla... fighting from the underground. Take That!!!!!

  • Saturday, September 13, 2003


    Thats me doing my straight girl act. Keeping the guys at bay. But I'm running out of time. The normal answer when I'm asked out is "I can't date until I'm sixteen...Sorry!!! ". It works for me, but I turn sixteen in December. I don't want to spend all my time coming up with fake excuses nor do I want to go out on useless dates acting like I'm enjoying it.

    So I need to come out. Start being me. The girl I want to be.

    Another problem is that my bestfriend, Sara, turns sixteen in two weeks. We have been friends since the third grade. Always together,the person I'm closest to in my life. She wants to double date. She has a boy she likes and he has a friend. See where this is leading? So in my grand scheme of coming out she'll have to be the first one I tell!

    I think that I know her as well as I know myself. I think she'll accept it that I'm gay, a queer girl , a lesbian. We have unconditional love for eachother. We're best friends. We've always accepted eachother, had our problems, but always loved eachother.

    But if she doesn't accept what I'm about to tell her, I think my heart would break into a million pieces...

  • Friday, September 12, 2003


    That's me and my Friends. We get together and have lunch or dinner every week at a chinese buffet. We talk, eat , argue, talk, eat and act silly and just be ourselves. Well most of them do. As for me I'm the underground queer chick. I 'm not totally myself yet, but that's changing.

    They talk about boys and I talk around them. I'm the shy, sarcastic, hopelessly romantic one. Sara, my best friend is the quintessential party girl. Sexy, funnny, in your face, let's do it type. All the boys want her. I want her. But I value our friendship too much to do anything about it! She's a wonderfully talented artist and life without her would be, well I just couldn't think about it.

    Then there are our close friends Mindy, Hannah and Holly. Mindy is the always cheery and hopeful one, a real clown, always on a diet and the only one right now that's allowed to date. Hannah is the quite and moody one. The ambivalent observer of all around her who will win an award for writing a novel someday. Holly is the goody-goody baptist girl who wants to do naughty things when the flock isn't looking.

    We're a close knit bunch! We got our nickname fron Tarentinos film "Reservoir Dogs". We don't rob or kill so don't worry.

    But we do talk and argue alot! But I wonder how my coming out will effect this group. Will we be together or will we break up? Can I mesh straight friends with lesbian friends? I don't know...

  • Sunday, September 07, 2003

    Coming Out... My Journey 

    I started this blog to document my coming out. In this Blog I'll tell my story as I live it. As I feel it. These are my experiences, hopes, dreams about my life. You can share them or ignore them. All of this is new for me. I have alot to learn.

    This journey will be like life I am sure. Filled with ups and downs , love and hate, beginnings and endings, acceptence and rejection.

    It's my life. I'm going to start to live it in my own way! Otherwise what's the point of it all?
  • Friday, September 05, 2003

    Skate,Subs,Books and Kisses 

    M took me roller skating and to dinner at subway. We shared a footlong steak and cheese sub. it's nice to have someone to share with. We went to Barnes and Nobles and sat and talked for a couple of hours ,looked at books and got to know eachother.

    I was wondering why can two girls hold hands and carry at a skating rink and no one minds . But if those same two girls hold hands in a mall people look and stare at them!

    I'm happy to report that we kissed goodnight twice!

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    Kelly/Female/16-20. Lives in United States/NoWhere, speaks English. Eye color is hazel. I am a babe. I am also ambitious. My interests are Filmmaking /Iaido.
    This is my blogchalk:
    United States, NoWhere, English, Kelly, Female, 16-20, Filmmaking , Iaido.

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